― Haruki Murakami
"The only opponent you have to beat is yourself, the way you used to be." (This man's words are amazing...he is one of my favorites.)
Well, I am at that point. It is only a matter of weeks before I head out to Colorado and start my final training for the Cruxy 1/2 Marathon on Vail Mountain. I am both excited and frustrated at the same time. My "internal opponent" is trying to defeat me and it is getting harder and harder to cross each training run off the schedule. Doubt and boredom are starting to set in. Frustration is taking over as I suffer through the heat and humidity with no real improvement in sight. Mentally, I am starting to beat myself up by constantly thinking "this is no fun....this sucks." Motivation is difficult to find these days...but I figure I can't be alone on this right?!
*Sigh* Why do I always do this?
I did this before the RBG 1/2 Marathon and while it was tough for a while, the feeling I had when I crossed the finish line could not be put into words. I know I will do awesome. I know even if I have to hike the whole damn thing I could still come in well under the time limit. I know that the environment will provide all I need to enjoy the race. I know that when I cross that finish line I will most likely fall into familiar and supportive arms that are both proud and excited for me (not to mention well rested since they will blow me out of the water on time!) I know this will be an unforgettable experience. I have worked hard for this....and I need to get excited about it.
So why do I find myself looking at the elevation profile and wanting to give up? Why do I always let my mind take the joy out of what I really want to do? Why do I have this fear of failing when it has never really happened to me before? When I set my mind on something I have always been able to accomplish it. Even on the trail race over the winter when I sprained my ankle...I still finished the race. I should not have this fear of failure since I have not experienced it....OR is that why I have it?
There it is.
(all the credits are in the bottom corner)
This is not surprising. This is me. I do this all the time (hey...at least I can admit it). Whenever a time of change comes up I fall victim to anxiety. I know I will be fine when I get out there. I know once I get the first few miles down I will fall into a rhythm and be on my way. I know it will trash my legs and hips but when it is over I will wish I could do it a million more times. I know that Colorado and this race are calling me. I know that is where I am meant to be. I know all this. Why can't I just be happy and excited about it?
(Now that I think about it. Here.... here is the link. Feel free to come out and run it. I am sure it will be amazing and we can run it together. That way we can look at each other and literally say "what the f*ck were you thinking!?" and feel better about ourselves once we reach the top and have to spend the next 5 miles of so trying not to blow up on the way down! Plus...it is Colorado and everything is better in Colorado.)
OK, I have to stop thinking about it. I am a thinker and when thinkers *think* nothing good happens. I have to move on....
Sooooo.....(*que happy dance*)
I got on a Bourbon Chase team!!! How amazing is that?! It is going to be EPIC. If you are sitting anywhere but Kentucky, you probably have no clue what I am talking about. If you are in a foreign country and using google translate...then Bourbon Chase probably has you really lost....so here is the short version: 200 miles...12 team mates....2 vans.....the Kentucky Bourbon Trail. Trust me...this is not something to stress over. This is pure fun! Nothing but nature and friends! I am so fortunate to have this opportunity since the two teams that I was going to try to run for did not get picked during the lottery. I have wanted to participate in this ever since I saw friends run it last year! Another thing I can check off my "running bucket" list. One small step closer to WS100 ( if you consider a 200 mile relay with 12 people sharing 2 vans a step closer to a 100 mile individual trail race!)
Yes...this blog was kind of "bi-polar" but if I could record the random hand gestures and facial expressions...you would understand. It is the "funky mood" I am in ;)
So that is it. Not much to write about....Cruxy is stressing me out and the BC is making me giddy. Oh... and I got a hammock, which is a very nice thing. What is not so nice is I need a mosquito net around it to be able to last more than 5 minutes. Random? Yes....but very important to everyone who knows me since they know the obsession I have with hammocks. It is also important because I look like I have been sleeping in the jungle. I am covered with friggin bites. It is ridiculous. Do not judge if you see me....judging is not nice. These mosquitoes are no joking matter. Repellent does not repel them. They are mutated I tell you!
My view from my hammock....it is heaven ;)
Well...until next time!